mother dear/mother deer

Yesterday I made a really huge mistake.
Seriously colossal error of judgement.
Bad, bad mama.

Oliver had been begging me to go to therapy ("ferapy") with his sister at CHOP. Every week, there are two days that Ollie has special time with a buddy or my mom while I take Violet to outside therapies, but he has been really into being a part of it.
And also really into not leaving my side.

So, I agreed yesterday. His playdate friend was sick, and I figured it was only an hour of occupational therapy.

However, Oliver had woken up at 4:30 that morning; a combo of trying to sleep through the night without a pull-up on, a bad dream and the possibility of fun time with daddy at 5am. By our CHOP appointment at noon, he was not a pleasant little guy.

But I kept on.

It was also pool day. Pool day. And Ollie was not allowed in the pool.

If there was any doubt, one of the saddest things in the world is to watch your 3-year-old son watching his twin sister swim with two amazingly fun therapists in a beautiful warm pool, filled with toys, while Disney music plays through the speakers. He wept and pleaded with me.

"I could just go in the pool in my big boy pants...."
"I promise I won't mess anything up!"
"Could I just put my legs in?"
"Why can't I go in?"

My heart broke open. I cursed myself for my decision.
Bad judgement BIG time.

How do I explain to a toddler that he can't go in the pool because he's not autistic? How do I explain that though it looks like a pretty awesome time, it's actually work and therapy and social progress and all that stuff that shouldn't be looking fun at all?

I can't so I don't. I say,
"Maybe next time, buddy. You're being really patient."
"Why don't we take a walk and go look at the playrooms?"
"I'm really sorry, sweetie. There's just no room in the pool today."

All petty, distracting, crappy things to say to someone who's confused and little and sobbing.

"It's my fault, Ollie. Mommy made a big mistake today, and it's too much to ask you to sit through this. Someday you're going understand why Sissy "gets to do" this work, and Mommy will make sure you are finding your own things that you are good at and love to do. And we'll do them."

I didn't say that, but the next day, today, Ben and I took Oliver out while Grammy took over for Violet's therapy at home for the afternoon. We went bowling and to get ice cream at Friendly's.
New things that Violet would have no interest in that Ollie loved.

We had a great day.
And while I know it doesn't make up for hard days, I can pray that it helps a bit and take solace in the fact that toddlers have really short memories.

But my favorite part? At the end of the day, when we were getting out of the car at Grammy's,Violet ran over with her arms open....to her brother.

"Bambi!"
"Hi, Bambi!" (um, yeah. Have I mentioned that we've watched the Bambi VHS movie about one million times lately? And they've decided there is a boy Bambi and a girl Bambi, so we can all play together. So if you hear three-year-old twins yelling for "Mother Deer! Mother Deer!" in the grocery store, it's just us.)

watching the ball roll. reallllly slowly.



yep, he kicked mommy and daddy's butts!

love

My two loves.