social

I debated a while before attempting to write about this one. So much holiday stuff and family and friend stuff to write about, but I keep stopping and starting this one, so I must get it "out". The story is so detailed, and I worry that my posts can be superfluous and overemotional. But often when I blog about my dilemmas, especially regarding my girl, I find them better sorted out for me.

We have been really pleased with the twins' preschool. It's a wonderful, creative atmosphere and all of the administrators and teachers have been wonderfully encouraging and understanding with Violet's diagnosis. Meeting other parents has been a bit of a challenge for me for several reasons: I have two to wrangle before and after class, so I can't be as casual with my chit chat; I have V's therapist who comes out to bombard me with information from the moment I arrive to pick up my kids (difficult because not only does it alienate me from socializing, but it also draws attention to me as "the mom of the kid with the therapist").

That last part is tough in itself. I'm generally a private person, and especially with a child who is already 'atypical', I want to do everything I can to assimilate her with her peers, and not draw attention to her therapist. Unfortunately, this diagnosis doesn't allow for a lot of privacy. Squeaky wheel and all that, yes, but also safety concerns and the whole knowledge-is-power thing.

We often stop at the playground on our way out to the parking lot. I love it- watching my kids interact with the peers, and really seeing my girl making friends. On this day, one of the moms, of a girl I'll call Julia stopped me and told me that Julia really wanted a playdate with Violet.

This has never happened. Seriously, not only has anyone asked V for playdate ever, but if I had to guess who'd want to be buddies with her in her class, Julia would be at the bottom of my list- I didn't even know the child's last name, and the mom had even made eye contact before this invitation.

I stammered and hemmed and hawed my way, graciously thanking her, saying maybe we could set a date soon. I didn't even know the right questions to ask, so I kind of left it like that to buy myself some time to process it all. I immediately texted my sister, my mom and Violet's aide at school- giddy.

Then the reality of it set it.
That evening, I had a nightmare that Julia's family lived on a lake, and, in my quest to give my girl a normal/typical playdate, I hadn't told them to lock all of their doors so Violet wouldn't run out, and, in my dream, she fell in the lake....

It took about a week until I ran into Mrs. Julia again, and by then I had talked it over with V's therapist, my mom, my husband, and, of course, the little social bug herself. All agreed it was a great idea, but that I really needed to prep Mrs. Julia.

Did she even know Violet has autism? Does she know anything about her? Does she have breakable items within reach? Does she have a supply of Smucker's PB & J's in her kitchen?

I approached her, words planned in my head like a freaking 15-year-old boy asking a girl out for the first time. We chatted casually, and the playdate came up.

"Um, I'm not sure if you know this, but....Violet has autism."

Her whole face dropped.
She was shocked.
"Wow", she said, "She must be really, um, high or low or whatever that is...I'd never have known."

There may have been an "Are you sure?" in there.

Do I tell her that, no, while Violet may eventually be diagnosed as high-functioning, but as of her initial diagnosis, she was deemed middle-of-road?

Unfortunately, I don't get a chance to continue, because Mrs. Julia slowly launches into a diatribe of how awful she thinks Violet's aide at school is. It turns out that she had helped in the classroom a few days, and observed Violet and her aide together; the aide that's been with Violet since she first began ABA, nearly two years ago.

I'm stunned silent. This is the second time I've talked with this woman and she's criticizing my choices as a parent? Insulting the services I worked my tail off to obtain for my daughter? The aide who has helped Violet begin to move mountains?

My planned dialogue of playdate-setup disappears and I listen and nod. Once again, I fail at being warrior-mom, because I don't defend my daughter's aide; in the moment, I even doubt myself and wonder for a few moments what I missed in the aide's behavior.
Mostly, I know I don't want to deal with this playdate.

That's it for now. That was right before the holiday break, and I'm not sure what will happen the next time I see Mrs. Julia. I want this for my girl- want a friend for her who is seeking her out- just her. I will most likely deal with my discomfort and try to find my voice with this overbearing, opinionated mother. Everything is a challenge; even the great things.

Here's some love, until I get to the holiday posts:

a huge step. handing Santa a letter (and then dashing!)!!

letter and cookies for Santa, carrots for Rudolph....

I've no idea what prompted the twins to go for the cowboy look on Christmas Eve, but I'm loving it.

loving, loving.

blessings, circa 2011



moments of love, gentleness and sweetness.

generosity. Saydah doggy allows ANY of Violet's 'other' animals to dine with her.

impromptu piano concerts (played to a full house!)

leaves. and cousins.

a beautiful late fall day where daddy and Ollie can go play baseball

lizards in the backyard!



"maybe he like to sit in my hair!"

buddies so special that they let you snuggle in their new big-girl bed.

a random hug after frolicking all over with bambi and thumper, who needed a rest.



spiderman love (and again, cousins)

a spontaneous bedtime story on the stairs

my buggy, getting to share a meal with her Great-Grandpa!

Ollie and Great-Grandpa

 

the tandem bike at school! MADE for them!



perspective, take 32.

alternately titled, "d'oh!"

The kids have been going to an amazing camp for the past few weeks. It focuses on both autistic and typical kids, so the twins can go together which is awesome! And don't even get me started on the fact that I have 16 full hours a week to myself...I caulk! I scrub! I nap! I blog! I might even watch a movie one day! Anyhow, the camp is at St. Joseph's University, and the kids' good friend, Mia is there too. She also has autism, and is only two weeks older than Oliver and Violet.

camp orientation!

Oliver, of course, LOVES camp; asks all weekend when the next camp day is, adores the counselors and has big stories for me everyday about his activities. Violet really likes it too, but for the past week or so, she's been crying at our drop-off. It's so, so hard to leave her sobbing, but I know she'll have a great day once I'm out of sight.

Yesterday, I made plans to meet my friend, Deanna, Mia's mommy for coffee after drop-off (having coffee! with a friend! sans kiddos!!). We met up and I immediately dumped all over her how I hated leaving Violet crying, and how the whole car ride there, V kept saying, "I don't wanna go to camp!".
Deanna is a huge support for me, but I saw something shift in her eyes after I said that.

"Violet said that to you? Wow. See, Mia would never be able to use her words like that. She'd cry and grab on to me, but she'd never be able to tell me why."

reality check.

Deanna continued,
"Maybe to put a positive spin on it, Violet's come so far in being able to tell you why she's upset. That wouldn't have happened a year ago, right?"

It would likely not even have happened six months ago. Had I taken that for granted? I pride myself on exhaulting the little things with both my kids. How blessed am I to have smart people who get it in my life to remind me? I obviously needed a good kick-in-the-perspective-pants.

in the summertime....

A month since my last post, and so much to write about! A HUGE birthday, 4th of July, Grampa and Popi's visit and our first time at camp...so many great photos and stories. Alas, they will have to wait as summer so far is hot and busy and tiring in the best possible way!

Instead, here's a list of my favorite things at the moment. Almost all simple, a few bittersweet:

1. relaxing, even in make-up and/or a tie.

2. outside stuff. working outside with Grampa and Popi, especially!

3. mini-golf

Ollie and Vi, July 4, 2011

does this look familiar? here's why:

Vi and Ollie, July 2008



the mini-city-hall thingy never gets old for me.

4. my new coffeemaker.

I don't want to love material things. But sometimes an appliance can make one's life so much easier one wants to kiss said appliance on it's chrome finish. I've had blatant love affairs with my dishwasher, Dyson, washing machine and now....

my Keurig. Love.

(as an aside: please note this is a STOCK photo- take every item in the photo other than the Keurig and imagine it's distinct opposite and you can envision my kitchen.)

5. friends

yep, here comes the bittersweet part.

These are some of our besties- Eli, Scott, Mollie and Ezra. We love them dearly, but even more than that, they have been a *huge* support for us throughout V's diagnosis, therapies and progress. It's seriously hard to put into words. Getting a diagnosis of autism can show you quickly who your real friends are; it takes a lot of patience to hang out with us, and to learn to communicate with Violet. As a parent, you hope for it with your family, but to have friends that feel like family in that way is a true blessing. I don't have too many places we can go where Violet can open the front door and run into the house...lie in the dog bed, jump in the kiddie pool fully clothed, dig in the garden, break the tile floor in the kitchen (eek!), take over Pop Pop's chair at dinner and meticulously spread out all 83 dvd's they own on the floor at every visit.

So, the bitter part is that the Boulwares moved to Texas last week. Heartbreaking for me, in a completely selfish way. But such a gift to know that people can love your child that much.

6.  this blog: http://plumlife.typepad.com/plum/

it kind of reminds me of the collages and things I used to collect in my more um, carefree years. I figured out she lives near me, so I will probably stalk her now...

7. Things my very-newly-four-year-old twins have said recently:

Ollie: "mommy, how old are you?" me: "39." Ollie: "WOW! That is really tall!". I like his thinking..

Violet (twirling in her new, pink dress):"who I look like?" me: "Um, Princess Pea? Alice (aka Cinderella, but the twins think she's Alice in wonderland, who is much more independent and interesting, so we're going with that)? Mommy?" Violet: "No! I like VIOLET!". Duh, mommy.

8. these shoes:

9. new friends- found in our backyard (and sitting on the hand of Thor)!

10. THE BEACH!!!

my little mermaid!

and my little beachcomber!

More soon...happy summer to you!

happies

So- it's been a rough few weeks here. Lots of regression for the beauty- many tantrums, and several days with V and I crying together; her because she doesn't know how to tell me what's wrong and me because I can't fix it. 

Anyhow, I'm sitting down to write.

Saturday is my hardest day of the week- I dread it coming. I'm going to make this post all photos with one word each, all being the happy things going on right now.

The happies.

carousel!



mess (disclaimer- although this might not SEEM to be a happy, when I originally came racing in to see what the problem was, I was certain it would be apple juice in my computer keyboard.)



hope

patience

love

sephora

dudes

bambi

cousins

bestfriends

carousel II

lucky

surprises (alternately titled, "joy")

Black Sun (Black Son?) (explanation: v's newest horse. she named him Black Sun. I have no clue why, and I love it.) 

beautiful moment of the day...

When Violet got home from school yesterday, I asked her about her day.
It was mostly one-sided:
"Violet, how was school?"
no answer
"Did you have a good day?"
no answer
"Did you read books?"
no answer
"Did you have a snack?"
no answer
"Violet, did you play with Ella?"
beat. beat. beat.  "I play Joshen"
"YOU PLAYED WITH JOCELYN????" (kudos to Mama for memorizing the names of every child in the class).
"Yes!"

I confirmed it with Vi's aide, Kristen, afterwards.

My girl PLAYED with JOCELYN. And then she told me about it.

 (cell phone photos to follow- not the best, but sometimes you've just gotta grab the moment however you can!)

my girl, wearing her horsie dress, caring for her horsie

my bathing beauties



a book they are making in school. LOVE it.





it's true; she does love to play outside. I wonder if she really said it?



really, who ISN'T thankful for the color red?



love

ooh- one more beautiful moment to add! As I was putting the twins to bed tonight, we were looking out the front windows and saw the North Star (based on a layman's guess, anyhow)- huge and bright in a clear sky.

I said, "Wow, guys! Look at that beautiful star!"
Oliver said, "Mama- maybe it's Grampy!!"

Sweet Lord help me.

I started to sing "When you wish upon a star..." to complete the moment, and Violet socked me in the mouth, so we quickly zoomed back to reality.
Still the luckiest mama on the planet, though.