diary

I actually wrote this post during the night. I woke up at 3:30 am in a panic, which hasn't happened in a while. So, I put my panic into words, writing my blog post in my head.

When Violet was first diagnosed,  I cried nearly every night in bed after "realizing" a new affectation of her autism. One especially bad night was when Ben told me that he had been thinking, and he felt really okay with the fact that Violet might be living with us forever.
I disintegrated- I had certainly not gotten to V's adulthood in my processing of the news.
Within that one statement came flooding forward the fact that my girl might never have a boyfriend or a husband or a date for that matter. Might never fall in love.
It's amazing the unspoken hopes you have for you children.
I cry as I write this even, thinking about that loss for my sweet girl. I know that nothing is certain, especially regarding autism, but the thought of either of my children not having love in their lives is simply heartbreaking.

So, there were many of these nights at first. Then, as acceptance of Violet's diagnosis grew, the tear-filled nights lessened.
And then, last night.

I hope this is not TMI. But as the title of the post suggests, it is my diary page, something I need to get out my brain.

At 3:30 am , what I was thinking was,
"What the hell are we going to do when Violet gets her period?".

I woke up poor Ben, asking him that question. He lovingly told me we could talk tomorrow, but let's not think about it in the middle of the night.

How the hell do you teach an autistic girl about her monthly cycle? About tampons and pads, and hygiene and cramps and Midol? And, if she's anything like me, which she so-oh is, she'll get her first period before her first bra. And, oh god- how will explain wearing a bra to her? And other puberty-related things?

I don't know. And, although I don't need to know right now, it's still what sits in my head in the middle of the night. We've made amazing strides with our V, but every so often it creeps in just how much we have ahead of us. It makes me feel so grateful for my small group of mommy friends who are also *blessed* with special kids. And for the other mommy bloggers who are all a bit ahead of me, enough to give me perspective and hope.

“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

To end on a lighter note, we've had Omi and Darby the dog here this week! Lots of stories and photos to come, but here's a preview:

can you say LOVE?