LOVE: social

I debated a while before attempting to write about this one. So much holiday stuff and family and friend stuff to write about, but I keep stopping and starting this one, so I must get it "out". The story is so detailed, and I worry that my posts can be superfluous and overemotional. But often when I blog about my dilemmas, especially regarding my girl, I find them better sorted out for me.

We have been really pleased with the twins' preschool. It's a wonderful, creative atmosphere and all of the administrators and teachers have been wonderfully encouraging and understanding with Violet's diagnosis. Meeting other parents has been a bit of a challenge for me for several reasons: I have two to wrangle before and after class, so I can't be as casual with my chit chat; I have V's therapist who comes out to bombard me with information from the moment I arrive to pick up my kids (difficult because not only does it alienate me from socializing, but it also draws attention to me as "the mom of the kid with the therapist").

That last part is tough in itself. I'm generally a private person, and especially with a child who is already 'atypical', I want to do everything I can to assimilate her with her peers, and not draw attention to her therapist. Unfortunately, this diagnosis doesn't allow for a lot of privacy. Squeaky wheel and all that, yes, but also safety concerns and the whole knowledge-is-power thing.

We often stop at the playground on our way out to the parking lot. I love it- watching my kids interact with the peers, and really seeing my girl making friends. On this day, one of the moms, of a girl I'll call Julia stopped me and told me that Julia really wanted a playdate with Violet.

This has never happened. Seriously, not only has anyone asked V for playdate ever, but if I had to guess who'd want to be buddies with her in her class, Julia would be at the bottom of my list- I didn't even know the child's last name, and the mom had even made eye contact before this invitation.

I stammered and hemmed and hawed my way, graciously thanking her, saying maybe we could set a date soon. I didn't even know the right questions to ask, so I kind of left it like that to buy myself some time to process it all. I immediately texted my sister, my mom and Violet's aide at school- giddy.

Then the reality of it set it.
That evening, I had a nightmare that Julia's family lived on a lake, and, in my quest to give my girl a normal/typical playdate, I hadn't told them to lock all of their doors so Violet wouldn't run out, and, in my dream, she fell in the lake....

It took about a week until I ran into Mrs. Julia again, and by then I had talked it over with V's therapist, my mom, my husband, and, of course, the little social bug herself. All agreed it was a great idea, but that I really needed to prep Mrs. Julia.

Did she even know Violet has autism? Does she know anything about her? Does she have breakable items within reach? Does she have a supply of Smucker's PB & J's in her kitchen?

I approached her, words planned in my head like a freaking 15-year-old boy asking a girl out for the first time. We chatted casually, and the playdate came up.

"Um, I'm not sure if you know this, but....Violet has autism."

Her whole face dropped.
She was shocked.
"Wow", she said, "She must be really, um, high or low or whatever that is...I'd never have known."

There may have been an "Are you sure?" in there.

Do I tell her that, no, while Violet may eventually be diagnosed as high-functioning, but as of her initial diagnosis, she was deemed middle-of-road?

Unfortunately, I don't get a chance to continue, because Mrs. Julia slowly launches into a diatribe of how awful she thinks Violet's aide at school is. It turns out that she had helped in the classroom a few days, and observed Violet and her aide together; the aide that's been with Violet since she first began ABA, nearly two years ago.

I'm stunned silent. This is the second time I've talked with this woman and she's criticizing my choices as a parent? Insulting the services I worked my tail off to obtain for my daughter? The aide who has helped Violet begin to move mountains?

My planned dialogue of playdate-setup disappears and I listen and nod. Once again, I fail at being warrior-mom, because I don't defend my daughter's aide; in the moment, I even doubt myself and wonder for a few moments what I missed in the aide's behavior.
Mostly, I know I don't want to deal with this playdate.

That's it for now. That was right before the holiday break, and I'm not sure what will happen the next time I see Mrs. Julia. I want this for my girl- want a friend for her who is seeking her out- just her. I will most likely deal with my discomfort and try to find my voice with this overbearing, opinionated mother. Everything is a challenge; even the great things.

Here's some love, until I get to the holiday posts: